gratitude.

a year ago i thought i was grateful.
odds are a year from now, i'll think the same thing.
so in the mean time i'll live each day trying to figure out what gratitude actually looks like and know that i fall short on most days. this time of year offers a lot of time for reflection and though i always think i'll carve out more time throughout the year to reflect it never actually happens.

this year i have been overwhelmed with gratitude. in january, i had my appendix removed. it was a routine surgery that was done at the recommendation of my doctor, paige. i trust her completely, thus i knew her decision was right. though the tests didn't actually reveal a need for an appendectomy we all agreed it needed to be done. the surgery was on a thursday and it went well. the recovery was really easy in comparison to other surgeries. monday morning my cell phone rang and it was paige. she said, "God works in mysterious ways, He is good, and you're going to be fine, but...there was a very small tumor in your appendix that would have grown into colon or ovarian cancer within a few years."

i heard the words: tumor and cancer.
i tuned out the words "you're fine"

once i caught my breath i made some phone calls. through tears, i wanted to rejoice and to find some comfort in the choas. that night i didn't sleep well. all i could think about were the what if's. i struggled with the questions for weeks, but time and again, i realized that this circumstance was not meant to bring about fear, but meant to bring about trust in the One who holds it all.

He knows me.
He knew what was inside of my body and He took care of it.

this began a theological issue for me, of what if He hadn't.

was He still good?

could I still thank Him?

i wrestle everyday with entitlement vs. gratitude.

since january, i see the world differently and i seek to love differently because of it. i traveled to haiti a few weeks ago and again i struggle with the issue of His goodness in light of such injustice. i learned about my haitian friends and realized that my attempt at gratitude is so small in light of their thankfulness.

He gives what we need.

He gives and He takes.

He knows us.

He is good and does good.

i am grateful.