day i lost count: control.

i leave for haiti in a few hours.

i'm going to be honest because i'm learning over and over again how things don't always get tied up in a pretty bow. when i heard last saturday that the hurricane was headed for haiti i kind of lost my breath for a second.

so many thoughts ran through my head.

why? why now? why this country? doesn't God know we're going?

so many questions.

no answers.

without the answers, i realized how i wasn't in control and it freaked me out.

(insert: i know control is an illusion)

when stacy came back from haiti the first time i wanted to go the next day. when an opportunity came around to go in august and it didn't happen, i was sad. so i was determined to go in november. the final cost of the trip was decided and i was discouraged because i knew, yet again, it wouldn't happen because i couldn't afford it with school and such.

and then stacy said we'd have a garage sale.

i was blown away by the turn out of the garage sale.

the remainder of my balance for the trip was paid.

i was going to haiti to love these people. His people.

since then, life has been busy.

grad school is crazy.

work is crazy.

sleep is not an excess.

i'm worn out. a good worn out, but worn out none the less.

He has been faithful, but I have been on cruise control.

so when the news of the hurricane hit, i didn't know how to handle it.

i wanted assurance.

i wanted an answer.

i needed an itinerary.

but all of those things produce an ability for me to feel like i handle it. like it's something i can do. and i'm not meant to handle it. He holds it all. His hands are big enough. He doesn't need my help. He needs me to trust Him.

so, what have i learned over the last few days about love?

perfect love casts out fear.

it really does. but i have to press into it. you have to press into it.

control doesn't cast out fear.

answers don't cast out fear.

He casts out fear.

His perfect love casts out fear.

this world may be broken and i may see a lot of hard things over the next few days. but His love never fails and i will rest in that.

He is good and does good.