There are very few books that I have read that leave me feeling honored for having held the pages in my hand, but I can say that A Story Unfinished: 99 Days with Elliot, is precisely that.
I know Matt Mooney well enough to know that any accolades he receives for this book would be followed with shaking his head because he would trade it all for a few more minutes with his precious son, Elliot.
He even says something to that effect at the end of the book, "So I find myself preempting the person who labors trying to put a bow on our story--awkwardly interrupting their valiant attempts at making sure that faith had set it all right, that we are okay with everything today, because apparently that is what their God does--He makes it all go away and sometimes even give you a bigger house in the process. But it is not all roses; it is not okay with me. I miss him everyday...And while it seems that many just want me to move on, I do not sense that this is God's desire. For as He came near, dirtying His hands with the word of my ashes, He never diminished my pain, but He whispered of that to come"(Mooney, p. 187).
In his grief and his desire for the story to have been different, he writes one of the most authentic journeys through grief that I have ever read. And I've read a lot in the counseling field. As I have sat with clients who have faced a loss they struggle with asking difficult questions because they fear it shows a lack of faith. Or they feel guilt for their anger, frustration over their anxiety, and a fear that grief will always be their companion. Matt touches on all of these realities and exposes how grief can be a tool in the hand of our Father to teach us things that we never really wanted to learn.
For some, this book may be difficult to read because it is a reminder that life can be mingled with devastating loss. But let me encourage you with this, whether you have known grief personally or only experienced it from a distance, read Matt and Ginny's story. It will reveal the depths of the goodness of our Father, the deep, deep value of community, and the hope for the day that all will be redeemed.
On February 28th, my brother, Blanca, and I all received the following text from Matt: "Thinking of you all today and praying that God would be near-as we all await to join in a chorus asking of death where its string has gone". Matt remembered the anniversary of the day that Tucker has passed away. Though he does not share our story in that loss, he is a companion to the story of grief. I trust that Elliot and Tucker are well, healed, and friends. They see the full picture and while we see a story unfinished, I trust the Author who wrote it all.
If you do not know Matt & Ginny's story, take a minute and watch this video of Elliot:
Order the book for you and all of your friends. You'll laugh. You'll cry. And You'll rejoice in the One who write our stories.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
the jersey house
four years ago, my brother nathan and his soon to be wife, amy, were searching for a house to live in after their wedding. i remember when they called and said they found a cute house by wilson park that they were going to look at.
the landlord was awesome and gave them a deal on what would be their first year of marriage house.
and so the jersey house was birthed.
during their honeymoon, their air conditioner went out and so they came home to a very HOT house in august as everyone was trying to get it fixed. and so began the endless stories that would come from this old, precious home. it was a great first year for the newlyweds and this house was full of fun memories. we celebrated birthdays, razorback games, and even pulled off nate's 30th birthday with a surprise party.
so after thinking about the logistics, it made sense for me to move into the jersey house when they moved out so that i could live with meg and katherine.
meg was moving here after graduating college so that she and allen could live in the same city. katherine's roommate had just gotten married and she needed a place to live.
it was so fun to keep the jersey house in the family. we continued our weekly sunday night dinners called roll call, my brother b.hill lived in our garage, and laughter abounded all the time. all three of us girls were in a transition season and it was so good and sanctifying to do that together.
in november of 2010 i traveled to haiti and met blanca. that trip was amazing and the Lord used it to teach me so many things, but one of the sweetest things that came out of it was a deep friendship with her.
in december 2010, i slept every night with my phone on loud in case nathan called to tell me that amy was in labor. sure enough in the wee morning hours of 12/8/10, i got a phone call from nathan saying amy was in labor and she was progressing quick! i threw on a sweat shirt, yoga pants, and grabbed my lulu shirt while i was calling dru continuously. he wasn't answering so i drove over to ruff house only to find that he would not answer the door. i got one of his roommates awake and together we were banging on the door so loud that we thought something might be wrong because he wasn't answering. little did we know that dru was in and out of sleep convinced that someone was breaking in. hilarious now. frustrating then. he finally woke up and we rushed to the hospital. we got there around 4a.m. and tucker wasn't born until 11:00a.m. so needless to say, dru wasn't that happy with me, but at least we didn't miss that sweet, sweet day... the day we became LuLu and Dunk. B.Hill was out of town, but we were able to facetime him in for the day. little did we know how sweet that day would be years later.
blanca joined the jersey house in february when she moved here from austin. with her move came the most epic snow storm that fayetteville has ever seen. she and i went to play in the snow and in a silly moment i made a snow angel video. little did i know that this video that i posted on the blog would result in me meeting my future husband! :) a few weeks later i went on my first date with aaron conner at chick-fil-a, exactly a year and three days later we were married.
in march of 2011, meg was traveling to hong kong to visit her brother and sister in law. allen was going on the trip with her and on that trip he would propose. we were SO excited for them and couldn't wait for them to return home! we pulled off a surprise engagement party and though they were crazy jet lagged we were so excited to hear the details and celebrate the beforts to be!
the jersey house was a full house that spring. meg was planning her wedding, i was dating aaron and working on my Ph.D., blanca was looking for a job, katherine and i were working at youth bridge. that summer was filled with dinners, laughter, planning wedding showers, and helping plan the befort wedding. it was a blast and again the jersey house was the landing ground for all these memories. as i began to get really sad about meg moving out, it worked out that our neighbor wanted to rent his house to meg and allen. it doesn't get much better when you go from living with your best friend to having her and her husband turn into your neighbors.
in september, allen and meg were married in nashville! it was a fun party and we were so glad that our sweet friends were finally husband and wife.
that same fall, blanca started keeping tucker two days a week while amy worked part-time. i could not have been more excited about this because it meant that i would get to hang out with the little guy two days a week too because i decided to open a private practice with ben. the jersey house became tucker's home away from home. we fed him waffles, had weekly chick-fil-a and target dates, and played dance music all day everyday. again, i had NO idea how special that time would be to me now, but it was truly the sweetest of days to see that little guy go from crawling, to walking, to running through the jersey house. his hand prints have literally been on our windows and doors until just a few weeks ago when i knew it was time to clean them. i am so grateful to blanca for loving tucker man so much and for being able to keep him so that i could have those memories of him in this house.
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in october of 2011, i got engaged to aaron and it was the best day. he planned every single detail and made me feel more loved than i could have ever imagined. (and he still does) on the back deck of the jersey house were all of my closest friends and family. i screamed, cried, hugged, and laughed that night. those images of that back deck are a reminder to me of all the people in our lives who cheer us on and encourage us every day.
the fall and winter were full of planning my wedding. craft projects, invitations, wedding gifts, and so on. i would spend hours on the red couch working on my Ph.D. coursework and then switching to wedding planning. i didn't sleep much during those months, but i loved it.
i spent the night before i got married at the jersey house and we came home from our honeymoon to one of the most difficult losses we have ever faced. the jersey house was a haven of sweet memories and rest. i remember lauren murphy meeting me in the dark with chocolate chip cookies the night we got back. i was exhausted and my heart was broken. she had cookies, tears, and a hug. it was the best medicine. the days and weeks that followed tucker's death, showed us the power of community. people brought meals and just came and hung out with us. if blanca is at the jersey house for longer than 5 minutes we always find ourselves sharing stories of tucker and i know those will not stop even though we won't be on the red couch at the jersey house.
in may i took a pregnancy test and found out that hudson was on his way. i remember the tears and laughter as my greatest dream was coming true. the following months were spent with planning and preparing the jersey house for hudson's arrival.
this house holds so many of our firsts.
i love this house.
but quickly after hudson was born, i knew it would be time to find a new house. the stairs aren't kid friendly, we don't have the best neighbors across the street, and so on...
however, i knew it would be really hard to say goodbye to the jersey house.
and it is.
but i also am SO excited for the new house that we are buying. it will hold just as many firsts. it has some wonderful families that live in the neighborhood who will be great friends, and i'm learning that the house isn't what i love as much as the people and the stories and the memories and those are coming with me. hudson will learn to walk in the new house and will have slumber parties with his cousins. we'll have cookouts and dinners. we will laugh, cry, get mad at each other, and dream in the new house. we'll talk about the jersey house all the time. but it's time for the next crew to find within these walls something that cannot be bought and that is the joy of living life with people.
can't wait for the new walls and all that they will teach me...
Saturday, March 30, 2013
happy easter
thinking today about Easter and i am so grateful for life that is found in Him.
this time last year my family was celebrating easter with an overwhelming sadness
and this year we celebrate amidst such joy. i'm thankful for how His grace is sufficient and
that no matter what the circumstance of the year we have a reason to celebrate because
"He was pierced for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on Him,
and by His wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5
here is hudson with his two cousins, gideon and max!
we rejoice in the miracle that all three of these lives are and are so excited to celebrate Jesus
with these boys this year. so grateful for all the promises He is faithful too.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
more than a friend
february 28th.
it's a day i hate. maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it's a hard day.
last year, i was in playa mujeres with my husband on our honeymoon. this was us at dinner that night.
it's a day i hate. maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it's a hard day.
last year, i was in playa mujeres with my husband on our honeymoon. this was us at dinner that night.
we had decided to go on a walk on the beach after, but as we were finishing up dinner i told aaron i wanted to go back to our room and watch friday night lights (we brought a season with us). we joked about ordering room service and eating a second dinner. when we got back to our room it wasn't too long before our phone rang. i was about to tell aaron not to answer it because it was probably just housekeeping asking if we wanted turn down service. but before i could get the words out, i hear aaron say "hi, B!"
i knew something had happened. more thoughts ran through my head in that 30 seconds than you can imagine. but nothing could have prepared me for me for when aaron handed me the phone and said "it's B". i will never forget hearing B tell me that tucker didn't wake up from his nap. i still can't wrap my head around it a year later. my adorable nephew who i had just watched dance his heart out at my wedding was with Jesus.
this year has tested everything that we have believed about God and His goodness. and despite it all, we can all say honestly and wholly:
He is good.
that isn't this trite, empty statement. rather its one full of tears, anger, frustration, fear, laughter, joy, and peace.
i have watched my brother and sister in law trust Him in their deepest pain and grief. i have watched my family and the Carmacks fight to trust and grieve simultaneously. during the last 365 days we have watched God take and then watched Him give and give and give.
kristen gave birth to ven in may.
melissa gave birth to adelynn in may.
amy gave birth to tucker's brothers gideon & max in january.
i gave birth to hudson in february.
yesterday max came home from the hospital and gideon will be home soon.
none of these gifts take away the loss of tucker. but they have reminded us of His goodness admidst deep pain. these kiddos will all learn about tucker and the Jesus who has shown us that He is more than a friend. He is a savior. He grieves with us. He loves us more than we can imagine.
And He sees all that we don't.
we have watched Him show up through a community of people who have refused to hide. they have entered the grief with us and in doing so have loved us in a way that still brings me to tears. i have seen how God still loves and pursues me even though i don't know how to pray anymore and i go weeks without studying scripture because its sometimes too hard. there are just so many questions and so few answers.
i ran across this quote a few years ago and it adequately describes the tension:
"but i know this: through my tears of frustration, through confusing conversations with Him, through my disobedience and delay, He carries me. His redemptive love is all-encompassing. He never sleeps, He is never frantic, He is never confused or tired. He can do all the things I cannot. And I need Him more than answers." -cobble
the joy of knowing and loving tucker changed all of us. he taught me more in 15 months than most learn in 50 years. and so i'll remember him on february 28th and every other day too. i'll smile when i hear a rihanna song and see tuck dancing. every time i eat chickfila i'll remember him saying, "peese". i'll think about the joy that he gave and try to figure out a way to be more like him. i'll tell huddy, gideon, and max all about him. they'll know about tucker and we'll miss him together.
long before i knew matt mooney, i read his blog and these words, which i think summarize what i continue to learn about the messiness of grief:
"God is not who I thought He was, I have waded into the waters of His mystery. He did not fit in my box. I will never sit idly by when another is in pain and question what good I could do. I desire to love others the way I have been shown love throughout. The kind that digs in and won't pretend that things are good, but won't dare not be there. May I be the first to cut through the awkwardness that life so often brings and make the call or hug the neck." -Matt Mooney
tucker, i love you and miss you. i promise that we will continue to tell your story and in turn His story.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
welcome to the world, hudson!
hudson hill conner was born 2/3/13 at 2:20a.m. his birthday was an absolutely amazing day and i am still in awe of the goodness of God displayed through this little boy.
as i have spent some sleepless nights hanging out with my baby boy, i've found some time to read sparkly green earrings, which is a book i would absolutely recommend. it will make you laugh and cry; sometimes at the same time. melanie says in her memoir:
"...then there's motherhood. Even if we've dreamed of having babies on our own, there is nothing that prepares us for the way that moment cracks open our hearts and pours in the type of pure love we never knew existed. A love that isn't about us but is just about wanting to love and protect this little, helpless person who will emit all manner of bodily fluids on us if given half the chance. You can't fathom it until you experience it. You can decorate a nursery, scribble down baby names, and feel the miracle of a foot kicking your bladder, but none of that comes close to capturing the true moments that make a mama. That's why I believe motherhood gives us the first true glimpse of how God loves us. The kind of love that's irrevocable, unrelenting, unconditional. I think its the closest humans get to living out 1 Corinthians 13. Motherhood is a Holy Communion with Goldfish crackers and juice boxes" (p.209).
the adventure of motherhood is the best thing ever.
the week before hudson arrived was a little chaotic and filled with a lot of joy, anticipation, excitement, and lack of sleep...
my sister-in-law and brother went into the hospital on 1/26/13 because amy was having contractions. she was 31 weeks pregnant with the twins and we all began to pray that the magnesium would stop her contractions in order to allow those little precious boys to get a little bigger. however, God answered our prayers in a different way and amy delivered Gideon and Max on 1/27/13 at around 5:00a.m.
they are beautiful boys who are already living up to their name and are being warriors. God is good.
during that saturday i ended up in triage with contractions. i was only dilated to a 2 so they monitored me for a little bit and sent me home. we were back a few hours later when amy went into labor so needless to say it felt like we camped out at willow creek that weekend. then again on tuesday i had intense contractions that had lasted for a long time so we ended up in triage again. i was sent home again and encouraged to rest, hydrate, and eat well.
wednesday i saw my doctor, paige partridge and had progressed to a 3. we scheduled an induction for 2/4/13 because hudson was measuring big and she just encouraged me that we were close. after two rounds of false alarms and being exhausted i had resolved that hudson would arrive on monday.
saturday morning we went to ricks to get breakfast for my family and to head over to nathan and amy's. my parents were coming into town because MK and Dru were in town from dallas to celebrate the twin's birth and were hoping to catch the arrival of hudson. i told them they were wishful thinkers because i did not think he would come until monday. we were all going to spend the day together. we hung out at nate and amy's that morning; i was having contractions and kept thinking, "i bet this will be what the next 36 hours is like before i am induced". we all went to lunch at jason's deli and then the crew decided to go to the mall for a little bit. i was feeling worse and worse. i told aaron we needed to head home but was hesitant to tell him about the contractions because of how the week had gone. i thought he would think i was crazy. we got home and i ended up on our big brown chair crying through the contractions. we waited 2 hours and i finally told him, "we have to go!"
we got to willow creek at 4:30 and dr. terry saw me immediately. he is wonderful and a dear friend as well as my doctor, paige. they checked me and i was at a 4 so they admitted me. back labor was so bad that i decided to get an epidural and that was a really, really good decision.
back labor was the absolute worst part of the whole labor process for me.
the next 7 hours were uneventful. i stayed at a 4. friends and family came to visit. i tried to sleep. then at 1:15 a.m. my nurse came in and i was magically at a 7. then 15 minutes later hudson's heart rate dropped a little bit and she came back in and checked me and i was at a 10. after that, dr. terry came in and talked me through what to expect. paige had a party that night so i was totally okay with dr. terry delivering me, but then as i was talking with him, paige walks in the room and i literally yelped with joy. stacy furlow came in a few minutes later and we were ready to roll. these three people are some of my heroes and i cannot adequately express how thankful i am for each of them and the role they played in hudson's birth.
having all those people in the room was absolutely the greatest thing for me. they were so encouraging and my husband was unbelievably awesome during the delivery. having gone from a 4 to 10 in a matter of 30 minutes was a whirlwind and then i pushed for about 15 minutes before hudson was here. he was born at 2:20 a.m. he came out squeaking a little bit and was absolutely adorable from first sight. he weighed 8 lbs. 8oz. and was 21.5 inches long. his hair is blonde and he has the sweetest eyes. the arrival of hudson was an absolutely incredible experience. i wouldn't say it was easy, but i will say it was beautiful. it surpassed every expectation i had. seeing his face for the first time was seeing a prayer that i've prayed for so long be answered in the most miarcalous way. i still don't know how to process it all.
the back story of the last 8 years for me involves lots of surgeries, the removal of my right ovary, and a million questions about if and how i would get to be a mother. within the last year i have gotten married, pregnant, and i am now a mom. to say that God gave me the desires of my heart is an absolute understatement. time and again, the Lord has reminded me to let Him write the story and to quit trying to control everything. i'm a really slow learner.
hudson is the cutest little boy and stole my heart the minute i saw him. he is loved by so many and i cannot wait to see how God grows him. it is my prayer that i will be the mother that hudson needs. i want to love him, show him Jesus, encourage him, and be his biggest fan. aaron is an amazing father and i am more in love with him as i watch him be a daddy. we are loving our new family and are overwhelmed with gratitude to the One who gave us this little boy. i can honestly say the adventure of motherhood is my favorite thing.
p.s. thanks to my dear friend, blanca for capturing hudson's birth! huddy is so thankful for his wonka and so are we! :)
as i have spent some sleepless nights hanging out with my baby boy, i've found some time to read sparkly green earrings, which is a book i would absolutely recommend. it will make you laugh and cry; sometimes at the same time. melanie says in her memoir:
"...then there's motherhood. Even if we've dreamed of having babies on our own, there is nothing that prepares us for the way that moment cracks open our hearts and pours in the type of pure love we never knew existed. A love that isn't about us but is just about wanting to love and protect this little, helpless person who will emit all manner of bodily fluids on us if given half the chance. You can't fathom it until you experience it. You can decorate a nursery, scribble down baby names, and feel the miracle of a foot kicking your bladder, but none of that comes close to capturing the true moments that make a mama. That's why I believe motherhood gives us the first true glimpse of how God loves us. The kind of love that's irrevocable, unrelenting, unconditional. I think its the closest humans get to living out 1 Corinthians 13. Motherhood is a Holy Communion with Goldfish crackers and juice boxes" (p.209).
the adventure of motherhood is the best thing ever.
the week before hudson arrived was a little chaotic and filled with a lot of joy, anticipation, excitement, and lack of sleep...
my sister-in-law and brother went into the hospital on 1/26/13 because amy was having contractions. she was 31 weeks pregnant with the twins and we all began to pray that the magnesium would stop her contractions in order to allow those little precious boys to get a little bigger. however, God answered our prayers in a different way and amy delivered Gideon and Max on 1/27/13 at around 5:00a.m.
they are beautiful boys who are already living up to their name and are being warriors. God is good.
during that saturday i ended up in triage with contractions. i was only dilated to a 2 so they monitored me for a little bit and sent me home. we were back a few hours later when amy went into labor so needless to say it felt like we camped out at willow creek that weekend. then again on tuesday i had intense contractions that had lasted for a long time so we ended up in triage again. i was sent home again and encouraged to rest, hydrate, and eat well.
wednesday i saw my doctor, paige partridge and had progressed to a 3. we scheduled an induction for 2/4/13 because hudson was measuring big and she just encouraged me that we were close. after two rounds of false alarms and being exhausted i had resolved that hudson would arrive on monday.
saturday morning we went to ricks to get breakfast for my family and to head over to nathan and amy's. my parents were coming into town because MK and Dru were in town from dallas to celebrate the twin's birth and were hoping to catch the arrival of hudson. i told them they were wishful thinkers because i did not think he would come until monday. we were all going to spend the day together. we hung out at nate and amy's that morning; i was having contractions and kept thinking, "i bet this will be what the next 36 hours is like before i am induced". we all went to lunch at jason's deli and then the crew decided to go to the mall for a little bit. i was feeling worse and worse. i told aaron we needed to head home but was hesitant to tell him about the contractions because of how the week had gone. i thought he would think i was crazy. we got home and i ended up on our big brown chair crying through the contractions. we waited 2 hours and i finally told him, "we have to go!"
we got to willow creek at 4:30 and dr. terry saw me immediately. he is wonderful and a dear friend as well as my doctor, paige. they checked me and i was at a 4 so they admitted me. back labor was so bad that i decided to get an epidural and that was a really, really good decision.
back labor was the absolute worst part of the whole labor process for me.
the next 7 hours were uneventful. i stayed at a 4. friends and family came to visit. i tried to sleep. then at 1:15 a.m. my nurse came in and i was magically at a 7. then 15 minutes later hudson's heart rate dropped a little bit and she came back in and checked me and i was at a 10. after that, dr. terry came in and talked me through what to expect. paige had a party that night so i was totally okay with dr. terry delivering me, but then as i was talking with him, paige walks in the room and i literally yelped with joy. stacy furlow came in a few minutes later and we were ready to roll. these three people are some of my heroes and i cannot adequately express how thankful i am for each of them and the role they played in hudson's birth.
having all those people in the room was absolutely the greatest thing for me. they were so encouraging and my husband was unbelievably awesome during the delivery. having gone from a 4 to 10 in a matter of 30 minutes was a whirlwind and then i pushed for about 15 minutes before hudson was here. he was born at 2:20 a.m. he came out squeaking a little bit and was absolutely adorable from first sight. he weighed 8 lbs. 8oz. and was 21.5 inches long. his hair is blonde and he has the sweetest eyes. the arrival of hudson was an absolutely incredible experience. i wouldn't say it was easy, but i will say it was beautiful. it surpassed every expectation i had. seeing his face for the first time was seeing a prayer that i've prayed for so long be answered in the most miarcalous way. i still don't know how to process it all.
the back story of the last 8 years for me involves lots of surgeries, the removal of my right ovary, and a million questions about if and how i would get to be a mother. within the last year i have gotten married, pregnant, and i am now a mom. to say that God gave me the desires of my heart is an absolute understatement. time and again, the Lord has reminded me to let Him write the story and to quit trying to control everything. i'm a really slow learner.
hudson is the cutest little boy and stole my heart the minute i saw him. he is loved by so many and i cannot wait to see how God grows him. it is my prayer that i will be the mother that hudson needs. i want to love him, show him Jesus, encourage him, and be his biggest fan. aaron is an amazing father and i am more in love with him as i watch him be a daddy. we are loving our new family and are overwhelmed with gratitude to the One who gave us this little boy. i can honestly say the adventure of motherhood is my favorite thing.
p.s. thanks to my dear friend, blanca for capturing hudson's birth! huddy is so thankful for his wonka and so are we! :)
Saturday, December 8, 2012
the day i became LuLu
two years ago today, tucker alan hill was born.
amy was an absolute champ and the sweet little family of three was created that continues to amaze and bless us all.
here's a slideshow that i made that sweet, sweet day two years ago...
two years.
that day was one i will never forget and it was a day full of joy, much more than 100. but really everyday with tucker was joy and thinking about him now brings that joy back even amidst tears.
as i think back on all that the two years has held i am overwhelmed with gratitude. though the absence of tucker is experienced in so many ways, today is a day i want to celebrate him and miss him all at the same time. i walked through a store yesterday and let myself walk through the toy aisle. i was thinking about what i would have bought him for his birthday and i got angry. but then, the image of his first birthday came to mind and i started laughing: the kid was stuffing cake in his mouth faster than you can even imagine. i can hear his hilarious little laugh and my just heart aches. today reminds us of the tension in the pain and the joy.
today, i am asking that the Lord would be near my precious sister-in-law and brother and tucker's mimi, papa, minnie, GP, and so many that love him fiercely. i'm asking that He would remind us all that He will turn our mourning into dancing. tucker loved to dance and so it only seems fitting that we can bank on that promise. we miss him. we are thankful for him. it's a hard day and a good day. i don't pretend to understand that paradox, but i know its true: He is good and does good. i celebrate this favorite little guy today and i am so grateful that he made me a LuLu; it's one of my favorite things. love you, tucker!
amy was an absolute champ and the sweet little family of three was created that continues to amaze and bless us all.
here's a slideshow that i made that sweet, sweet day two years ago...
two years.
that day was one i will never forget and it was a day full of joy, much more than 100. but really everyday with tucker was joy and thinking about him now brings that joy back even amidst tears.
as i think back on all that the two years has held i am overwhelmed with gratitude. though the absence of tucker is experienced in so many ways, today is a day i want to celebrate him and miss him all at the same time. i walked through a store yesterday and let myself walk through the toy aisle. i was thinking about what i would have bought him for his birthday and i got angry. but then, the image of his first birthday came to mind and i started laughing: the kid was stuffing cake in his mouth faster than you can even imagine. i can hear his hilarious little laugh and my just heart aches. today reminds us of the tension in the pain and the joy.
today, i am asking that the Lord would be near my precious sister-in-law and brother and tucker's mimi, papa, minnie, GP, and so many that love him fiercely. i'm asking that He would remind us all that He will turn our mourning into dancing. tucker loved to dance and so it only seems fitting that we can bank on that promise. we miss him. we are thankful for him. it's a hard day and a good day. i don't pretend to understand that paradox, but i know its true: He is good and does good. i celebrate this favorite little guy today and i am so grateful that he made me a LuLu; it's one of my favorite things. love you, tucker!
Monday, October 1, 2012
dear hudson
i wrote this the night i found out we were having a boy and have just waited to publish it, but i am SO excited to have a little boy and find myself constantly thinking about hudson so i thought i'd share a letter i wrote to him. he'll probably laugh at me when he is 13 and i'm still doing stuff like this :)
hey huddy!
today we found out you were you. your dad is in denver on a trip so your aunt amy came to the appointment with me today just in case we were able to sneak a peak. i screamed with joy when we saw that it is a boy. then i cried for a few minutes. i wish i could say that was abnormal, but it's not. tears of joy come frequently these days. you should know that your aunt amy is the best! she is tucker's mama and the twin's mom too. you and the twins will be the same age and will probably get into all kinds of mischief together...honestly we all cannot wait. tucker is with Jesus and we miss him so much, but we'll tell you stories about him. i cried today thinking about how good of buddies y'all would have been. however, i know his brothers or sisters will be two of your best friends and that makes me smile just thinking about it.
hudson, you are already SO loved.
your daddy will be your hero. he's my best friend and we are so excited that God gave you to us. there are so many things that you should know about him. he's so smart so you should probably plan on always asking him to help you with your homework. i'll promise to supply the milk and chocolate chip cookies. he can't wait to play baseball with you and teach you how to kick a soccer ball. he'll probably leave basketball up to your Dunk, but he'll totally be willing to play with you :) your dad is awesome. you hit the jackpot when it comes to dads.
minnie & GP cannot wait to meet you too. GP will make you laugh a lot and minnie will steal your heart. she's an awesome woman who taught me everything i know. i hope i am half the mom to you that she is to me. GP will bounce you on his knee and when you're older teach you how to throw a baseball.
bunk, dunk, and nay-nay are my three brothers and your uncles. they will probably be three of your favorite people in the world. dunk will teach you how to dougie and probably how to shoot a basketball. nay-nay will wrestle with you and probably come up with some crazy nicknames for you too. bunk is an adventurer so he'll be all about showing you everything that your mama tries to protect you from.
in all honesty, you're coming into a crazy family that loves you fiercely.
thanks for teaching me so much already. God has used you to redeem some really broken parts in me and has taught me more about His goodness. i am so humbled that i get to be your mommy. we'll have lots of fun and though you'll have so many great guys to look up to that you'll want to be just like, i hope you'll always know that i'm your biggest fan. being a mom has been one of my greatest dreams and it begins with you. can't wait to meet you in february and for all the years ahead. it's going to be SO fun!
love,
mama
hey huddy!
today we found out you were you. your dad is in denver on a trip so your aunt amy came to the appointment with me today just in case we were able to sneak a peak. i screamed with joy when we saw that it is a boy. then i cried for a few minutes. i wish i could say that was abnormal, but it's not. tears of joy come frequently these days. you should know that your aunt amy is the best! she is tucker's mama and the twin's mom too. you and the twins will be the same age and will probably get into all kinds of mischief together...honestly we all cannot wait. tucker is with Jesus and we miss him so much, but we'll tell you stories about him. i cried today thinking about how good of buddies y'all would have been. however, i know his brothers or sisters will be two of your best friends and that makes me smile just thinking about it.
hudson, you are already SO loved.
your daddy will be your hero. he's my best friend and we are so excited that God gave you to us. there are so many things that you should know about him. he's so smart so you should probably plan on always asking him to help you with your homework. i'll promise to supply the milk and chocolate chip cookies. he can't wait to play baseball with you and teach you how to kick a soccer ball. he'll probably leave basketball up to your Dunk, but he'll totally be willing to play with you :) your dad is awesome. you hit the jackpot when it comes to dads.
minnie & GP cannot wait to meet you too. GP will make you laugh a lot and minnie will steal your heart. she's an awesome woman who taught me everything i know. i hope i am half the mom to you that she is to me. GP will bounce you on his knee and when you're older teach you how to throw a baseball.
bunk, dunk, and nay-nay are my three brothers and your uncles. they will probably be three of your favorite people in the world. dunk will teach you how to dougie and probably how to shoot a basketball. nay-nay will wrestle with you and probably come up with some crazy nicknames for you too. bunk is an adventurer so he'll be all about showing you everything that your mama tries to protect you from.
in all honesty, you're coming into a crazy family that loves you fiercely.
thanks for teaching me so much already. God has used you to redeem some really broken parts in me and has taught me more about His goodness. i am so humbled that i get to be your mommy. we'll have lots of fun and though you'll have so many great guys to look up to that you'll want to be just like, i hope you'll always know that i'm your biggest fan. being a mom has been one of my greatest dreams and it begins with you. can't wait to meet you in february and for all the years ahead. it's going to be SO fun!
love,
mama
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