more than a friend

february 28th.

it's a day i hate. maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it's a hard day.

last year, i was in playa mujeres with my husband on our honeymoon. this was us at dinner that night.

we had decided to go on a walk on the beach after, but as we were finishing up dinner i told aaron i wanted to go back to our room and watch friday night lights (we brought a season with us). we joked about ordering room service and eating a second dinner. when we got back to our room it wasn't too long before our phone rang. i was about to tell aaron not to answer it because it was probably just housekeeping asking if we wanted turn down service. but before i could get the words out, i hear aaron say "hi, B!"

i knew something had happened. more thoughts ran through my head in that 30 seconds than you can imagine. but nothing could have prepared me for me for when aaron handed me the phone and said "it's B". i will never forget hearing B tell me that tucker didn't wake up from his nap. i still can't wrap my head around it a year later. my adorable nephew who i had just watched dance his heart out at my wedding was with Jesus. 

this year has tested everything that we have believed about God and His goodness. and despite it all, we can all say honestly and wholly:

He is good.

that isn't this trite, empty statement. rather its one full of tears, anger, frustration, fear, laughter, joy, and peace. 

i have watched my brother and sister in law trust Him in their deepest pain and grief. i have watched my family and the Carmacks fight to trust and grieve simultaneously. during the last 365 days we have watched God take and then watched Him give and give and give. 

kristen gave birth to ven in may. 

melissa gave birth to adelynn in may. 

amy gave birth to tucker's brothers gideon & max in january. 

i gave birth to hudson in february. 

yesterday max came home from the hospital and gideon will be home soon. 

none of these gifts take away the loss of tucker. but they have reminded us of His goodness admidst deep pain. these kiddos will all learn about tucker and the Jesus who has shown us that He is more than a friend. He is a savior. He grieves with us. He loves us more than we can imagine. 

And He sees all that we don't. 

we have watched Him show up through a community of people who have refused to hide. they have entered the grief with us and in doing so have loved us in a way that still brings me to tears. i have seen how God still loves and pursues me even though i don't know how to pray anymore and i go weeks without studying scripture because its sometimes too hard. there are just so many questions and so few answers. 

i ran across this quote a few years ago and it adequately describes the tension:

"but i know this: through my tears of frustration, through confusing conversations with Him, through my disobedience and delay, He carries me. His redemptive love is all-encompassing. He never sleeps, He is never frantic, He is never confused or tired. He can do all the things I cannot. And I need Him more than answers." -cobble

the joy of knowing and loving tucker changed all of us. he taught me more in 15 months than most learn in 50 years. and so i'll remember him on february 28th and every other day too. i'll smile when i hear a rihanna song and see tuck dancing. every time i eat chickfila i'll remember him saying, "peese". i'll think about the joy that he gave and try to figure out a way to be more like him. i'll tell huddy, gideon, and max all about him. they'll know about tucker and we'll miss him together.

long before i knew matt mooney, i read his blog and these words, which i think summarize what i continue to learn about the messiness of grief:  

"God is not who I thought He was, I have waded into the waters of His mystery. He did not fit in my box. I will never sit idly by when another is in pain and question what good I could do. I desire to love others the way I have been shown love throughout. The kind that digs in and won't pretend that things are good, but won't dare not be there. May I be the first to cut through the awkwardness that life so often brings and make the call or hug the neck." -Matt Mooney

tucker, i love you and miss you. i promise that we will continue to tell your story and in turn His story.