baby.

we are overwhelmed by all of the comments, texts, phone calls, and emails that each of you sent yesterday. THANK you! SO grateful for ways you celebrate with us!

throughout the last 27 years i have been reminded time and time again that my plans are not His and His story is way better than any story i could ever write. this pregnancy and this baby is no different. His plans are so much better than mine.

no we didn't 'plan' four months into marriage to get pregnant, but we also could not be more thankful and humbled by this gift. it brings me to tears thinking about it. someday i hope to find the words to be able to articulate the journey of the last eight years. nine surgeries, lots of medicines, and questions. through all of it, i never knew if getting pregnant would be a part of my story. i had some precious people who believed for me as i worked through the reality that there is not much in this life that i get to control though i want to. through some incredibly, godly people who walked with me i learned and have had to learn again that i have to hold dreams and plans loosely. that is not easy for a planner like me, but its true.  and so i sit here today so grateful and humbled.

i know what a gift this pregnancy is and i know that we serve a God who gives good things. we also have a God who takes and He is still good in that too. i do not understand the ways of God. i can't put Him in a box and assume that i will ever understand all that He does. i know so many women and families who try for years and are never able to get pregnant. so many women that i work with who their greatest dream is to be a mom and yet it seems that its a constant waiting game. it doesn't make sense to me and i just want these women and families to know that i grieve with you as you wait. i am overwhelmed by the fact that He would give to aaron and i. we do not deserve it, but we are so thankful.

thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers and encouragement as we take on this adventure. your words have been so good for my soul and a reminder to me of the goodness of God. we would covet your prayers as we continue through this pregnancy and into parenthood.

we love you all. thanks for loving all three of us and journeying with us.

ring bearer.

four days before tucker died he was the ring bearer in my wedding, which was also the last day that i saw him. though, i desperately wish it could have all been different, i treasure that my last memory of him is in his precious little suit and his giant bow tie.

he was awesome. i mean i think people were blown away by how great all three boys did.

the loss of tucker causes triggers that catch me by surprise at times. the last two weeks i have spent my saturday at weddings. i used to be the girl that cried when the bride walked toward her groom. now i cry when the ringer bearer walks down the aisle. in fact, my heart literally aches. it aches because of the reminder of tucker and the picture that is imprinted in my mind of him in his suit. however, tonight as i watched a ring bearer walk down the aisle, as tears streamed down my face,  i yet again recalled this image and the Lord spoke quietly to my heart.

the ring bearer goes before the bride carrying the symbol and tangible reminder the couple makes to one another, the ring. because of all that Lord has done through tucker's life and death the Lord has used Him to remind me of His greater story. tucker has gone before us and reminded us of the faithfulness of our Father, the reality of heaven, and the joy that is found in this life when it is fully embraced.

the act of the ring bearer may not be fully understood, but i know the memory of mine will forever remind me of the faithfulness of our Father who has gone before us, His bride.

tucker's mama, amy, continues to display such faith and hope through her writings. if you haven't read it, you should. it will bless your heart and encourage you. tucker is loved and missed everyday. we all are so grateful for his life and for what God continues to teach us through it.

time.

today has been a really good day. i worked on my last paper of the semester, went and saw mary poppins, and celebrated the upcoming wedding of a friend. driving home from the wedding shower a little bit ago, i passed by the cemetery where tucker is buried.

it was sunset and i hadn't been by in awhile so it seemed like a perfect time to go.
i know he isn't there, but his earthly body that the Lord gave him is and so it seems normal to visit. anyways, i marveled at God's goodness through the sunset and noticed sod was now covering tucker's spot. a part of me was sad to see grass because it means that enough time has gone by that the dirt must be covered, but then another part of me was grateful the spot was becoming more beautiful.

grief is funny like that. sometimes i want time to stand still and other times i wish it would move 100 mph. and sometimes it is both of those things at the same time. if time would move faster we could see more of God's plan and understand how He will use tucker's story and how he will redeem the brokenness. but then again, every day that passes is another day that i fear forgetting tucker's little laugh or how he would run to me on the mornings that he came to the jersey house. or his little shoulder dance or how he would always touch my face when i held him. it's also another day closer to celebrating my one year wedding anniversary, which will also be the one year anniversary of the last time i held that sweet boy. and so sometimes i want time to stand still and i don't want the grass to grow.

but i know what that really means is i just want all of it to have turned out differently.
i want him to still be here and for my brother and sister in law not to have conversations about heaven.
i don't want to have to dream with the family about what foundation we could have in tucker's honor, but rather to plan the next time i can baby-sit him so nathan & amy could have a date.

time is both a gift and a thief.

so i stood at tucker's grave and asked the Lord to speak. i heard nothing.

i laughed at the geese running around and the black lab that i thought was going to eat 12 of them. i got back in my car and wondered when i'd hear from the Lord. so i did what i am so guilty of and hoped that He'd use pandora. i know, i know this probably sounds ridiculous to most of you. but it's similar to bible roulette. you know, when you open up anywhere in your bible and hope that God will use leviticus or whatever you happened to land on to speak to you  well, i do the same with pandora stations and 10 times out of 10 times it has failed. but tonight He spoke to me in my car and He did use pandora. a song came on that i have never heard and this lyric spoke directly to my heart.

"You are the reason that I live. Under me, over, all around I know You're with me" 

He is with me. Tucker is with Him. He is with both of us. That reality overwhelms me and tonight was a reminder that life is in Him. in the grave, in my car, and at a wedding shower. It is in Him. And with the song, i heard Him speak to the most desperate plea of my heart: all i want is to be able to control time. to stop it. to start it. to make it move faster and to make it move slower. but this is what i heard him say, "time is mine and i am with you always".

though time feels like both a gift and thief, it is all His.
and i can trust Him with it. He will give and he will take, but he is never late nor is he ever early.

so i can trust the grass to grow, the sun to rise and set, and know that with every minute He is in it.

beautiful people.

elizabeth kubler-ross is a well known name in the counseling field. thus she's become a favorite of mine throughout my education. she's an expert on grief and someone, through her writings, that i've grown to value and respect. i found this quote by her a few months ago and filed it away. today i came across it and its been on repeat in my head:

"the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. these persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. beautiful people do not just happen."

throughout the last 6 weeks (really 27 years) i have been privileged to know beautiful people. those who have lost and still give. others who have been wounded yet still trust. and those who have arisen out of the ashes to proclaim beauty. there have been so many times throughout these weeks that i have sat down to write people a thank you of some kind and failed.

how do you thank people in a way that is sufficient?

answer: i don't know.

so, as i ponder that and try to figure out how i will do so, consider this post a beginning.

my friends. to all of you beautiful people in my life who have taught me how to live with more gratitude and more simplicity. who have cried with me. who have embraced grief with my family. eaten meals with me. laughed with me. rode scooters with me. helped move my business. played spades with me. helped hang pictures at our house. walked around the mall with me. honestly, i'm overwhelmed just thinking about it all.

my family. i have been a witness to nate & amy living out faith and hope that life is not about today. they and their son, tucker, have taught me more in the last 6 weeks than i can write in a blog post. if you want to meet beautiful people, i'll give you their address. they know sorrow. they have lost. but they also possess such deep compassion, trust, and love that it humbles me every time i talk to them. my parents and my brothers are really great people. i love them more deeply than i ever have before.

my husband. well, marriage is awesome. it makes me cry to think about God's timing and how he brought aaron and i together when he did. aaron is a beautiful gift and though sometimes marriage makes you want to throw darts at each other, there is absolutely no one else i'd rather spend my life with.

so i think elizabeth was right, beautiful people don't just happen, but they seem to be all around me. really i just want to say thank you. it's not enough, but i need and want to say it.

through grief is real so is gratitude. and i'm learning both.

carried.

yesterday morning, aaron and i met nathan, amy, and my parents out at the cemetery. it is quickly becoming my favorite place in fayetteville because it is so peaceful. i also feel the presence of God more there than anywhere else and maybe it is because heaven feels a little closer when i'm there.

anyways, we brought donut holes and drinks and just sat and talked around tucker's grave. we talked about headstones and a few tucker stories. we were reminded as we watched two little boys feed the ducks how much tucker would have loved the ducks. and i grieved. i watched my brother and amy as they sat there looking at where their little boy is buried and i tried to imagine what it must be like to be them. and i grieved some more.

it honestly feels totally unfair. we miss tucker and every day is a new reminder that he isn't here and a new reminder that we must trust the One who knows what we don't.

i have been re-reading I Will Carry You by angie smith and unfortunately, this time, her story resonates with me more deeply, but the Lord has used it to remind me that He is writing this story and through our tears, frustrations, and confusion He is carrying us. a chapter that i read today just really spoke to me about what has been running through my head the past few days. angie says this:

"it is human nature to wonder why God cures some and lets others die.

all kinds of smart people can probably give you textbook answers, but for

those of you who are reading this, i want to offer a perspective that might

make more sense to you. I have no idea. there is a safe place with the Lord

where we don't have to have all of the answers. as christians, we often want

to tie it up neatly with a bow and be standing ready with our church smiles

when someone asks us how we are dealing with loss. i don't believe that

"God needed another angel", and i honestly grow weary of hearing people

try to explain it all away because they couldn't stand to say those three words.

"I don't know." God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself. you don't have

to feel like you need to fill in the gaps. He has put the gaps there so that you

will press into Him despite them... I wholly believe that He is real and He

is in control. I believe He is working everything in my life, and yours, for good"

(Smith, p.106-107).

so though there are lots of questions, both tangible and theological. the answers just aren't the point. we are all being carried by the Lord's goodness as we grieve and miss tucker. and though the pain is real so is the hope, knowing that someday, we'll see our Savior and this precious little boy again.

References:

Smith, A. (2010). I Will Carry You. B & H Publishing Group: Nashville, TN.

Aaron Ivy Band: Beautiful Mystery

a wedding & a funeral

writing has always been a respite from the world for me. however, the last two weeks i have only been able to write a few times and instead have spent a lot of time staring at my blank journal page or computer screen.

words seem to be inadequate in explaining anything. there are countless messages, emails, texts, and phone calls that need to be returned and yet i cannot seem to find words to begin those either. so please accept my apologies and know that i will respond soon. please also know how grateful i am for all of you who have entered into this with us. never, have i ever, experienced the love and grace of Jesus in ways that i have experienced it from so many of you. thank you for loving my brother and sister in law in a beautiful way that just reveals the depths of love that humans are capable of. Jesus has been made known and it is one of the most incredible things i have ever seen.

on friday, february 24th, aaron and i got married at pratt place. it was a perfect day and i cannot remember a time in my life that i have ever felt so loved, encouraged, and invested in. so many of my favorite people were in one place and i got to marry aaron which was a dream come true. the next day we flew to cancun for our honeymoon at the excellence resort. it was the happiest time of my life.

tuesday night, february 28th, my brother, brian, called our hotel room. aaron answered the call and said, "hey b, what's up?" and i immediately knew something horrible happened. aaron started walking towards the balcony to take the phone call, but he turned around and said, "yeah, she's right here". i took the phone and said, "hey b, what's wrong?" and he said, "nathan and amy put tucker down for a nap and he didn't wake up". i screamed and tears began to stream down my face. aaron took the phone and talked to b for a second. once he was off the phone we just cried together. i kept screaming saying that we had to leave. aaron was incredible and with the help of the concierge got our flight changed to first thing that morning. so we had a few hours to pack and get a cab to head to the airport. we were desperate to be home. it was the worst day of my life. as the hours inched by, i ached for my brother, nathan and his wife, amy. i ached that i would never be able to hold tucker again and that our family had lost one of the biggest joys we have ever known.

the happiest day and the worst day of my life within 4 days of each other. it felt cruel and it felt unbearable to understand. for a long time i have struggled with a belief that God is transactional. meaning he gives after he takes and he takes after he gives. i know it theologically does not make sense and i know that God's character does not fit that belief, but it has nonetheless been a challenge of my faith. it is this tension of trusting that His name is blessed whether he gives or he takes and that my circumstances should not change my faith in who He is. J.I Packer once said, "still He [God] seeks the fellowship of His people and sends them both sorrows and joy in order to detach their love from other things and attach it to himself". and these words have been true for me over the last two weeks.

marrying aaron has made me ache for heaven because of the joy i experienced.

losing tucker has made me ache for heaven because of the pain i experienced.

God is using a wedding and a funeral to teach me about himself. it is terrifying and it is painful, but it is also good. there are very few answers and a lot of questions during this season of life, however, i know this: being the wife of aaron, sister of nathan, brian, dru, and amy, daughter of alan and patti, and aunt to tucker has blessed me more than words can describe. i would trade none of these. through each of these relationships, i have come to know and love my Savior more. as i navigate a completely different view of the world, i am trusting that He is good and does good and that one day i'll wake up and see a blessing in spite of the pain.

tucker, our mighty warrior

i am writing words that i never, ever dreamed i would have to write.

tucker went to be with Jesus on Tuesday, February 28th.

words fail and though Jesus' plan is so different than ours, we trust Him and we ache for the day we'll dance & laugh with tucker again.

being his lulu is the greatest joy and honor of my life.

i know people say being an aunt is the best thing, but i never dreamed of how much i could love him. nathan and amy are the greatest parents i know and though they now have to share their son's story with the world in completely different way than they want, tucker is changing the world. he is their greatest joy and is a gift to us all. tucker has changed us forever and redeemed so much that is broken within us.

tucker was my ring bearer this past friday night and that was the last time i hugged him and kissed him. he danced the night away and stole everyone's heart. but that's no surprise because whether we were at chick-fila or target, he just won over everyone.

nate and amy are grieving deeply. their devastation is deep but their faith is steady. they trusted Jesus with Tucker from the day they found out he was on the way and today they trust Him still.

we covet your prayers.

if you would like to give to amy or nathan please do so through the following avenues:

1. Arvest Bank: You can go into the location or mail a check to PO Box 1327 Fayetteville, AR 7270, make checks payable to Tucker Hill Memorial Fund or

2. Or please give online http://bitly.com/tuckerhill

Tucker is our joy. Jesus is our joy.

They are together and our hearts yearn for the day that we'll be with them both.