carried.

yesterday morning, aaron and i met nathan, amy, and my parents out at the cemetery. it is quickly becoming my favorite place in fayetteville because it is so peaceful. i also feel the presence of God more there than anywhere else and maybe it is because heaven feels a little closer when i'm there.

anyways, we brought donut holes and drinks and just sat and talked around tucker's grave. we talked about headstones and a few tucker stories. we were reminded as we watched two little boys feed the ducks how much tucker would have loved the ducks. and i grieved. i watched my brother and amy as they sat there looking at where their little boy is buried and i tried to imagine what it must be like to be them. and i grieved some more.

it honestly feels totally unfair. we miss tucker and every day is a new reminder that he isn't here and a new reminder that we must trust the One who knows what we don't.

i have been re-reading I Will Carry You by angie smith and unfortunately, this time, her story resonates with me more deeply, but the Lord has used it to remind me that He is writing this story and through our tears, frustrations, and confusion He is carrying us. a chapter that i read today just really spoke to me about what has been running through my head the past few days. angie says this:

"it is human nature to wonder why God cures some and lets others die.

all kinds of smart people can probably give you textbook answers, but for

those of you who are reading this, i want to offer a perspective that might

make more sense to you. I have no idea. there is a safe place with the Lord

where we don't have to have all of the answers. as christians, we often want

to tie it up neatly with a bow and be standing ready with our church smiles

when someone asks us how we are dealing with loss. i don't believe that

"God needed another angel", and i honestly grow weary of hearing people

try to explain it all away because they couldn't stand to say those three words.

"I don't know." God is perfectly capable of revealing Himself. you don't have

to feel like you need to fill in the gaps. He has put the gaps there so that you

will press into Him despite them... I wholly believe that He is real and He

is in control. I believe He is working everything in my life, and yours, for good"

(Smith, p.106-107).

so though there are lots of questions, both tangible and theological. the answers just aren't the point. we are all being carried by the Lord's goodness as we grieve and miss tucker. and though the pain is real so is the hope, knowing that someday, we'll see our Savior and this precious little boy again.

References:

Smith, A. (2010). I Will Carry You. B & H Publishing Group: Nashville, TN.

Aaron Ivy Band: Beautiful Mystery