lots of questions and so few answers

i have a quote in my white box on facebook by tara leigh cobble that says, "i need Him more than I need answers". it's one of my favorite quotes but sometimes i have to admit that i don't agree with it.

i like answers. i like reasons. i like logical reasons. i like fairness.

sometimes those things don't exist.

i almost titled this post, "keepin it real" because that's what i attempt to do on this blog, but due to not wanting to bear all details to the blog world i won't give a lot of details about this past week; so i guess i will be keepin' it only kind of real.

i had surgery on wednesday.
i found out on tuesday, so that didn't leave a lot of time to prepare which was probably a good thing.

today was my first day that i left the house since wednesday and i was so thankful to feel a little more like myself.

the surgery & recovery were difficult, but i guess that's to be expected. i yet again was reminded just how many wonderful people i have in my life. my family and friends brought food, brought movies, came and sat with me, called often, prayed for me, cried with me, helped me with things that i normally do without even thinking, and mostly just loved me. many times i have mentioned how many unbelievably great people i have in my life; but it times like this week that i am reminded at just how great they are. they live out an ability to love in action & words in a way i only hope to replicate. my heart is so grateful and my burden is lighter.

i spent most of the last few days watching countless movies and not remembering much of life due to medication. however, i did find time today to read for the bible study i am leading with the grad students at JBU, we are reading Crazy Love. it's a good read and i would recommend it. francis chan raises some great questions and reminds readers of the simplicity yet profound nature of the love of God. as i was reading and planning for the bible study. i found myself frustrated. mostly because of my current brokenness and inability to understand what God is doing in my life. if i am honest, i'm still frustrated and i think that's okay.

i'm learning that not only does God want me to ask questions, but He delights that I ask them. he knows my heart, so i might as well press into Him; asking Him questions all the while trying to trust him more.

in the book, Crazy Love, chan says, "not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending. what a stunted, insignificant god that would be...because He's God, he has more of a right to ask us why so many people are starving. as much as we want God to explain himself to us, His creation, we are in no place to demand that He give an account to us. can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation?" (Chan, p.31&33)

so i read that and was convicted.

i still think God delights that i ask questions.

i just don't think God delights that i ask demanding an explanation nor does he delight when i ask out of a motive thinking that i have a better way, a better plan.

it has occurred to me throughout the years that even if he explained himself, the answer, in my selfishness, would probably not be sufficient.

i would be lying if i hadn't in the last 5 years, 5 months, or 5 minutes said that i wish i could have a different story. but i would also by lying if i didn't say that i know that i want HIS story ultimately.

i know that He is a way better author than i am and i know that He made me and knows i have questions. so i am going to keep asking.

there will be days that i ask with frustration and ask out of anger thinking that He messed up and those days, i guess i will be considered arrogant or just an idiot. but hopefully most days i'll press into the Lord asking questions that ultimately lead me to fall more in love with Him and yearn more for the day where all things will be redeemed.

some things i know:

He is good.

He has given me people in my life who live out His character so i can see it more clearly.

He is okay with my questions.